Gloomy Sunday

... it's not exactly like how the song goes, but it's pretty much related.

wrapped up my supposedly feel good sunday with a heavy, broken heart.

last friday, my friend gerry, passed by a ran over cat when she's just about to get her late lunch. when she realized it was still moving, she and her brother, anton, went out of their car and picked up the cat covered in it's own blood. construction workers around the area helped them put her in a carrier.

and so they named him cheesecake. he was rushed to the animal house veterinary clinic. i followed them shortly to give my support to gerry. cheesecake was cleaned up and immediately stabilized. he was also given a good dose of pain killer. the vet told us the obvious damages - broken upper part of the mouth that will not stop bleeding, trauma in the eye, and a possibility of skull fracture. due to his delicate condition, they can't do any test - not even an xray to check for the damages. they can't fix the mouth, nor the eyes, until he's stabilized and gained a little bit of strength. they said he can't go under anesthesia in this state because there's a big chance he wouldn't wake up. we went in the animal confinement ward to check him and there he was lying on his belly, still, covering his mouth. he barely moves, but he meows in pain. his eyes were moving trying to get a glimpse of us while we talk to him to be strong and fight.

we left with hopeful hearts and with fingers crossed that he gets through the night.

well, he did. gerry kept me updated with his condition, and although there's no positive improvement after 24 hours, we kept our spirits positive. it was planned to have a tube installed on his throat on tuesday so he could eat.

until sunday came. gerry went twice to check on cheesecake since the doctor on duty and nurses called her up to tell her that cheesecake's not responding. in the afternoon, cheesecake's head was so swollen that he looked like a big round baseball. you can't see his nose any more. it broke gerry's heart. cheesecake's still not stabilize and no procedure can be done to him. but still she hoped for the best and went home.

evening came and the animal house vet called her up to tell her that cheesecake bled again, and this time it was pretty bad. he's not responding to the pain medication any more. the nurse told gerry that when they tried to clean him up earlier, he cried in pain - the type of cry that will give you goosebumps. he's just basically telling gerry how miserable and how deeply in pain cheesecake was - and that's where euthanasia idea came in. of course it is not something that you can just easily decide on. we talked on the phone and both of us didn't know what to do, if it was the best option, or do we keep on fighting. we don't know his chances too. this step is irreversible, and so gerry wanted to be sure if there's really nothing that can be done to save this poor cat. when she talked to the vet in charge, she was advised to euthanize and end the poor cat's suffering... the vet explained that there's a slim chance he will survive anyway, and that it's going to that direction, so there's no use of prolonging his suffering. but still, gerry couldn't decide. 

at around 11pm, we went to the clinic to check cheesecake and personally speak with the vet. and as soon as we saw cheesecake, we started to cry. he looked so much different from how he was in the afternoon. he looked as if he's dead. barely breathing. he bled out all the swelling, and now we can clearly see the damage on his head. part of his head was flat. and his eyes... god everytime i remember his eyes my heart breaks and i feel like crying. it wasn't the same as it was a few hours ago. the right eye which we thought was the good eye was all dead gray, protruding, almost escaping from his eye sockets. the left eye with trauma is opened and bleeding. he was laying still with his mouth opened... gerry was so shocked and started to cry. but as soon as cheesecake heard our voices, he moved his paw a few times, like waving to us. but it wasn't a happy wave. it was like he wanted to go, it was more like a goodbye. we looked at him, cried more, and still trying to convince ourselves that there's hope. but really, from the looks of it, the most humane way to do is just to end his sufferings and set him free. the vet said again, he's in a high dosage of steroid and other pain meds, and none of it worked. and there, after seeing his lifeless body, we decided to give him a rest. 

i was pretty pissed that the vet had to move him to the surgery room to euthanize. it's late at night and there's no one in the clinic but us. he could have just done it in the confinement room. it's because a tiny move on cheesecake's body hurts him. we heard cheesecake scream in pain as they remove her from the cage to the surgery room to be put down. it made us cry more. then we asked if we can be with him until he's gone. at first, the vet didn't want us to see... but we insisted.

it wasn't easy to watch someone die. i know cheesecake's a cat and not comparable to a human dying. but it was absolutely hard to bear. like him, we have to be strong. we didn't want him to pass alone. we caressed him for the last time, touched the side of his face ever so lightly, and said our goodbyes. he was meowing softly, told him his pain's going away soon. i hardly spoke a word. we were there beside him until his last breath. and then it was done. 

i never knew this cat. but i was heartbroken when he passed. i felt so sorry for what he went through.

so this is one of the many things that happen when you refuse to spay/neuter your cats. don't ever think you can always care for them. sooner or later you'll be filled. don't think that you'll always find a good home to care for the kittens, because more often than not, they will end up in the streets to starve, to get abused, and die. if they get lucky, they'll breed more and continue this cycle. 

cheesecake's happier now. he's in a better place than us - for we will continue to see and experience the apathy, lack of compassion, irresponsibility, leave alone cruelty, wrapping up the world so tightly.